1
00:00:03,101 --> 00:00:06,103
[♪]

2
00:01:15,641 --> 00:01:16,674
[sighs]

3
00:01:16,675 --> 00:01:18,243
[approaching footsteps]

4
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:23,448
[sniffs]

5
00:01:23,449 --> 00:01:25,383
Ah!

6
00:01:25,384 --> 00:01:28,019
The ever-lilting fragrance
of "eau de bring 'em all on."

7
00:01:30,422 --> 00:01:33,291
Must be Friday, kel,
'cause if it was Saturday,

8
00:01:33,292 --> 00:01:34,992
It would be
"essence de free clinique."

9
00:01:38,397 --> 00:01:40,164
Gee, bud, it's date night.

10
00:01:40,165 --> 00:01:43,067
Shouldn't you be upstairs
practicing your french kissing

11
00:01:43,068 --> 00:01:45,103
On your stuffed
ninja turtle doll?

12
00:01:46,205 --> 00:01:47,672
Saying...

13
00:01:47,673 --> 00:01:50,341
[with french accent]
"oh, donatello,
your shell is so soft."

14
00:01:53,112 --> 00:01:55,313
Aren't we testy?

15
00:01:55,314 --> 00:01:56,347
Ah.

16
00:01:56,348 --> 00:01:58,349
Could it be that, uh,
your date isn't

17
00:01:58,350 --> 00:01:59,750
The only thing
that's late?

18
00:02:03,556 --> 00:02:05,122
He'll be here.

19
00:02:06,291 --> 00:02:08,025
I've had guys crawling
on their bellies

20
00:02:08,026 --> 00:02:10,595
Out of flaming auto wrecks
to go out with me.

21
00:02:12,932 --> 00:02:14,465
Kelly...
[sighs]

22
00:02:14,466 --> 00:02:17,735
...You might as well hear it
from someone who loves you.

23
00:02:17,736 --> 00:02:18,970
You're hagged out.

24
00:02:21,540 --> 00:02:23,240
Finished. Over.

25
00:02:23,241 --> 00:02:25,810
But keep
your chins up, kel.

26
00:02:27,145 --> 00:02:29,180
Plenty of guys
will still call you.

27
00:02:29,181 --> 00:02:31,282
They'll just call you,
"hey, waitress."

28
00:02:32,317 --> 00:02:33,484
"hey, you
with the broom."

29
00:02:34,486 --> 00:02:36,788
"hey, thief."

30
00:02:36,789 --> 00:02:39,090
Oh, save it,
zit-tac-toe.

31
00:02:40,358 --> 00:02:41,960
Your words
fall off me

32
00:02:41,961 --> 00:02:43,695
Like water off
a duck's quack.

33
00:02:45,163 --> 00:02:47,765
Now, there is nothing wrong
with a guy being a little late.

34
00:02:47,766 --> 00:02:49,100
Doesn't mean anything.

35
00:02:50,135 --> 00:02:51,970
Kelly, you're home.

36
00:02:51,971 --> 00:02:53,738
Oh, my god.

37
00:02:53,739 --> 00:02:55,640
You've been stood up.

38
00:02:55,641 --> 00:02:57,008
Oh.

39
00:02:57,009 --> 00:02:59,310
My poor baby.

40
00:02:59,311 --> 00:03:00,678
I'll tell you what.

41
00:03:00,679 --> 00:03:03,547
We'll get some ovaltine,
watch the home shopping network,

42
00:03:03,548 --> 00:03:04,816
And I'll order you
a clapper.

43
00:03:04,817 --> 00:03:05,917
[claps twice]

44
00:03:09,422 --> 00:03:10,988
Peg:
Hi, al.

45
00:03:16,161 --> 00:03:18,830
Honey, kelly's been stood up.

46
00:03:18,831 --> 00:03:20,498
Must bring back memories
for you, huh, peg?

47
00:03:23,636 --> 00:03:27,672
Anyway, I was driving home--
god knows why

48
00:03:27,673 --> 00:03:30,041
--And hear this old song on
the radio that I used to love,

49
00:03:30,042 --> 00:03:31,309
But I can't remember the name.

50
00:03:31,310 --> 00:03:33,377
Now, why is it whenever
a song comes on the radio,

51
00:03:33,378 --> 00:03:35,080
And you're waiting
to hear them name it,

52
00:03:35,081 --> 00:03:37,548
It's always number six
of 40 in a row?

53
00:03:37,549 --> 00:03:39,317
Well, stick
with it, honey.

54
00:03:39,318 --> 00:03:41,085
You figured out how
to flush the toilet,

55
00:03:41,086 --> 00:03:43,388
You'll figure
this one out.

56
00:03:43,389 --> 00:03:45,023
This is a burning question
of our time,

57
00:03:45,024 --> 00:03:46,891
And I will not have it
trivialized by a woman

58
00:03:46,892 --> 00:03:49,661
Who thinks the tv show
<i>hunter</i> is engrossing.

59
00:03:51,230 --> 00:03:52,664
Anyhow, the dj
finally comes on,

60
00:03:52,665 --> 00:03:55,133
And instead of telling me
the name of my song...

61
00:03:55,134 --> 00:03:58,469
He goes on and on about some
massive pile-up on the freeway.

62
00:03:58,470 --> 00:04:00,238
[whiny voice]
"twelve dead, 12 dead."

63
00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:04,108
Then he kicks off
about 500 in a row

64
00:04:04,109 --> 00:04:07,912
With bobby goldsboro's musical
sphincter lock known as "honey."

65
00:04:07,913 --> 00:04:12,383
Oh, god.

66
00:04:12,384 --> 00:04:15,019
This is what it's like being
home on a Friday night?

67
00:04:15,020 --> 00:04:16,821
Bud, bud.
Come here.

68
00:04:16,822 --> 00:04:18,323
Now, listen to this
very carefully

69
00:04:18,324 --> 00:04:19,891
And tell me the name
of the song.

70
00:04:21,894 --> 00:04:23,328
♪ hm-hm-him ♪

71
00:04:28,667 --> 00:04:30,768
I don't know what it is, dad,
but if you get the name,

72
00:04:30,769 --> 00:04:34,238
Me and the gang would
sure like to boogie to it.

73
00:04:34,239 --> 00:04:35,172
Get out of
my way.

74
00:04:35,173 --> 00:04:36,808
Peg.

75
00:04:36,809 --> 00:04:38,643
Peg, you're old.
You know it.

76
00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:43,014
♪ hm-hm-him ♪

77
00:04:43,716 --> 00:04:45,149
Clip your nose
hairs, al.

78
00:04:48,354 --> 00:04:49,354
When you were
humming,

79
00:04:49,355 --> 00:04:50,455
It looked like
a squid

80
00:04:50,456 --> 00:04:52,824
Was trying to reach out
and grab the kids.

81
00:04:55,961 --> 00:04:57,294
Gee, none of my,
uh--

82
00:04:57,295 --> 00:05:00,364
None of my family was
any help to me. How unusual.

83
00:05:00,365 --> 00:05:02,667
Al, must we be
the spit bucket

84
00:05:02,668 --> 00:05:04,301
In the early-round
knockout

85
00:05:04,302 --> 00:05:06,471
That is
your life?

86
00:05:06,472 --> 00:05:09,273
As usual, you need
professional help.

87
00:05:09,274 --> 00:05:14,412
So why don't you just call
the oldies station, <i>k-fossil...</i>

88
00:05:14,413 --> 00:05:16,047
And ask the dj?

89
00:05:16,048 --> 00:05:17,448
I already called.

90
00:05:17,449 --> 00:05:19,617
I got rick cool
himself.

91
00:05:19,618 --> 00:05:21,219
Gee, rick cool,
huh?

92
00:05:21,220 --> 00:05:23,054
Did bobby 23 skiddoo
quit?

93
00:05:23,055 --> 00:05:24,522
[inaudible dialogue]

94
00:05:25,790 --> 00:05:27,492
Al, the suspense
is boring us.

95
00:05:27,493 --> 00:05:28,926
Tell us
what he said.

96
00:05:28,927 --> 00:05:30,128
He said:

97
00:05:30,129 --> 00:05:32,296
"the colors. The colors.

98
00:05:32,297 --> 00:05:34,431
Has anybody seen
my good friend john?"

99
00:05:34,432 --> 00:05:36,367
And he lit up a banana.
And then he hung up.

100
00:05:39,037 --> 00:05:40,805
♪ hm-hm-him ♪

101
00:05:42,841 --> 00:05:44,975
Damn! Right on the tip
of my tongue.

102
00:05:44,976 --> 00:05:46,678
Well, then it doesn't
have long to live.

103
00:05:46,679 --> 00:05:47,878
[chuckles]

104
00:05:49,848 --> 00:05:52,250
I must have that song.

105
00:05:52,251 --> 00:05:54,418
Maybe it's on the b-side
of a record I already have.

106
00:05:54,419 --> 00:05:55,919
Peg, where's
my record collection

107
00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:57,622
That I spent
my entire youth building?

108
00:05:57,623 --> 00:05:59,823
Well, they were
cluttering up your closet,

109
00:05:59,824 --> 00:06:02,226
So I moved them downstairs
next to the furnace.

110
00:06:05,998 --> 00:06:07,298
Good thinking.

111
00:06:07,299 --> 00:06:10,301
Because nothing brings out
the luster of original records

112
00:06:10,302 --> 00:06:13,605
Better than intense,
searing heat.

113
00:06:14,639 --> 00:06:18,309
Lousy, redheaded,
life-sucking mosquito.

114
00:06:22,647 --> 00:06:24,749
[doorbell
rings]

115
00:06:24,750 --> 00:06:26,617
That's my date,
tell him I am not home.

116
00:06:27,819 --> 00:06:28,987
Why don't you
tell him?

117
00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:33,191
Good idea.

118
00:06:36,929 --> 00:06:38,263
I am not home.

119
00:06:38,264 --> 00:06:40,865
Oh. Then is it okay
if I wait?

120
00:06:46,038 --> 00:06:47,171
Mom.

121
00:06:48,473 --> 00:06:51,576
If my "mixed-up at the hospital"
theory is correct...

122
00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:53,811
I'd say we just found
kelly's natural brother.

123
00:06:56,148 --> 00:06:58,449
<i>So</i> just where were you

124
00:06:58,450 --> 00:07:01,018
While I was wasting
my life away with my family?

125
00:07:01,019 --> 00:07:03,687
Well, I wanted to
get you something nice.

126
00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:08,959
<i>Garfield spoils the picnic.</i>

127
00:07:10,529 --> 00:07:12,663
That crazy cat gets
into everything,

128
00:07:12,664 --> 00:07:14,832
From the potato salad
to the sack races.

129
00:07:20,105 --> 00:07:22,206
No boy's ever brought me
literature before.

130
00:07:24,876 --> 00:07:28,947
Well, my family believes:
"say it with words."

131
00:07:33,219 --> 00:07:34,619
I just have to
get my bag.

132
00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:36,120
Oh, by the way,

133
00:07:36,121 --> 00:07:37,187
This is my mom

134
00:07:37,188 --> 00:07:39,791
And, uh...The troll
that lives under our house.

135
00:07:42,494 --> 00:07:44,462
Well, it's nice
to meet you.

136
00:07:44,463 --> 00:07:45,629
And, uh...

137
00:07:46,731 --> 00:07:48,565
Excuse me, sir,
I was just wondering...

138
00:07:48,566 --> 00:07:50,268
Doesn't it get lonely
under the house?

139
00:07:52,304 --> 00:07:53,704
Um...

140
00:07:57,675 --> 00:08:00,011
Not when you have
a bell and a hat.

141
00:08:05,584 --> 00:08:08,786
Hi. I'm peggy. And I know
what you're thinking.

142
00:08:08,787 --> 00:08:11,155
How could a woman barely
out of high school herself

143
00:08:11,156 --> 00:08:14,525
Possibly be the mother
to a teenage daughter? Heh-heh.

144
00:08:14,526 --> 00:08:16,260
Actually, I was
wondering if

145
00:08:16,261 --> 00:08:17,929
We had trolls
under my building.

146
00:08:19,932 --> 00:08:22,800
I mean,
sometimes I hear noises.

147
00:08:22,801 --> 00:08:26,103
My dad says it's the pipes,
but now I wonder.

148
00:08:31,744 --> 00:08:32,910
Look.

149
00:08:32,911 --> 00:08:34,279
I am not a troll.

150
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:35,880
I'm a boy, you idiot.

151
00:08:48,260 --> 00:08:50,227
Well, I-- I just
"poured" through

152
00:08:50,228 --> 00:08:52,062
My record collection,
literally.

153
00:08:56,468 --> 00:08:57,835
Vinnie:
Uh, hi, mr. Bundy.

154
00:08:59,337 --> 00:09:00,405
Vinnie.

155
00:09:00,406 --> 00:09:02,139
Vinnie verducci,
charlie's boy.

156
00:09:02,140 --> 00:09:03,474
Peg, you remember
charlie.

157
00:09:03,475 --> 00:09:05,042
Charlie. You met him
at our wedding.

158
00:09:05,043 --> 00:09:07,311
Oh, yes. A lovely man.

159
00:09:08,113 --> 00:09:09,580
When you see your father,

160
00:09:09,581 --> 00:09:12,149
Ask him if he's done with
my mother's cigarette lighter.

161
00:09:13,452 --> 00:09:16,721
You know, in defense of your
father, she was bending over.

162
00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:19,123
He might have thought that,
you know, someone had left it

163
00:09:19,124 --> 00:09:20,725
In the folds of a couch.

164
00:09:26,031 --> 00:09:28,232
Bud, you oughta start
hanging around with this guy.

165
00:09:28,233 --> 00:09:30,167
The girls can't keep
their hands off him.

166
00:09:30,168 --> 00:09:31,168
[giggles]

167
00:09:31,169 --> 00:09:32,436
What brings you here?

168
00:09:32,437 --> 00:09:33,203
He's taking kelly out.

169
00:09:33,204 --> 00:09:34,572
[al chuckles]

170
00:09:34,573 --> 00:09:37,174
Touch her, and I'll hang
you with your own colon.

171
00:09:39,244 --> 00:09:41,045
Hey, kel, come here.

172
00:09:41,046 --> 00:09:43,314
Five bucks says this guy
won't even touch you.

173
00:09:44,583 --> 00:09:46,050
You're on.

174
00:09:46,051 --> 00:09:49,487
No guy has ever gone out
with me and not touched me.

175
00:09:51,122 --> 00:09:52,223
Vinnie, I'm ready.

176
00:09:53,291 --> 00:09:54,859
[chuckles]

177
00:10:00,665 --> 00:10:03,000
♪ hm-hm-him ♪

178
00:10:05,470 --> 00:10:07,204
♪ hm-hm-him ♪

179
00:10:08,373 --> 00:10:10,974
Well, honey, we're
finally alone. Heh.

180
00:10:10,975 --> 00:10:12,410
I know what would
take your mind

181
00:10:12,411 --> 00:10:13,810
Off that record
for a minute.

182
00:10:13,811 --> 00:10:15,946
You could make love
to me four times.

183
00:10:15,947 --> 00:10:17,581
[chuckles]

184
00:10:17,582 --> 00:10:20,051
Peg, when I said
I was after an oldie,

185
00:10:20,052 --> 00:10:21,585
I meant, "but a goody."

186
00:10:27,125 --> 00:10:29,026
Now, surely there must be
someone around here

187
00:10:29,027 --> 00:10:30,294
Old enough to know
that song.

188
00:10:30,295 --> 00:10:32,563
Hi, peggy.
Hi.

189
00:10:32,564 --> 00:10:35,399
Listen, jefferson and I are
thinking of going to the movies.

190
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:37,468
Well, I don't think
we can go with you.

191
00:10:38,603 --> 00:10:40,404
Well, we didn't want you
to come with us.

192
00:10:41,573 --> 00:10:43,074
But we need to know
what's playing,

193
00:10:43,075 --> 00:10:45,543
And al stole our paper again.

194
00:10:45,544 --> 00:10:46,877
How'd you know
it's me?

195
00:10:46,878 --> 00:10:49,680
We found one of your straws
in our sparkletts bottle.

196
00:10:50,882 --> 00:10:52,416
Hey, listen,
while you're here...

197
00:10:52,417 --> 00:10:55,019
Let me-- let me ask you
a question. Um...

198
00:10:55,020 --> 00:10:57,021
See if you can--
see if you can name this song.

199
00:10:58,156 --> 00:11:00,224
♪ hm-hm-him ♪

200
00:11:00,225 --> 00:11:01,258
You know,
when he hums,

201
00:11:01,259 --> 00:11:03,961
The hair in his ears
moves in and out

202
00:11:03,962 --> 00:11:06,764
Like a child's
party favor.

203
00:11:06,765 --> 00:11:09,032
Oh, yeah, and the-- and the nose
hairs, they sort of spread

204
00:11:09,033 --> 00:11:10,234
Like a geisha-girl fan.

205
00:11:10,235 --> 00:11:11,635
[al chuckles]

206
00:11:11,636 --> 00:11:15,006
That's right. Keep dancing
on the minefield.

207
00:11:16,607 --> 00:11:18,843
Now, concentrate.

208
00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:21,178
♪ hm-hm-him ♪

209
00:11:22,113 --> 00:11:23,580
"itsy bitsy spider"?
No.

210
00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:26,416
"go tell pharaoh."
no!

211
00:11:26,417 --> 00:11:27,417
Come on.

212
00:11:27,418 --> 00:11:28,886
This is a song
from my youth.

213
00:11:28,887 --> 00:11:30,387
"look, it's a wheel"?

214
00:11:34,693 --> 00:11:35,759
Peg, honey,

215
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:38,696
Before we're all
knee-deep in your blood,

216
00:11:38,697 --> 00:11:40,831
Um, why don't you go
over by the radio

217
00:11:40,832 --> 00:11:42,833
And listen to see
if they play my song.

218
00:11:42,834 --> 00:11:44,235
You are just determined

219
00:11:44,236 --> 00:11:46,904
To win that nobel "putz" prize
this year, aren't you, honey?

220
00:11:48,907 --> 00:11:50,841
Listen, I have
the perfect plan

221
00:11:50,842 --> 00:11:52,209
To figure
this whole thing out.

222
00:11:52,210 --> 00:11:54,678
Now, what we'll do is,
we'll just sit here,

223
00:11:54,679 --> 00:11:57,181
And we'll name every song that
was ever made until we get it.

224
00:11:57,182 --> 00:11:58,182
Now, I'll start.

225
00:11:58,183 --> 00:11:59,516
"mandy."

226
00:11:59,517 --> 00:12:02,019
Uh... "dem bones,
dem bones, dem--"

227
00:12:02,020 --> 00:12:03,587
Oh, shut up.

228
00:12:03,588 --> 00:12:07,457
I told you never
to play with this man.

229
00:12:07,458 --> 00:12:09,093
Now, give it up, al.

230
00:12:09,094 --> 00:12:11,561
I'm sure there is
no such song.

231
00:12:11,562 --> 00:12:14,698
It's probably
a shoe hallucination.

232
00:12:14,699 --> 00:12:17,501
I mean, your face is
in feet all day long,

233
00:12:17,502 --> 00:12:18,769
Something's
gotta give.

234
00:12:20,238 --> 00:12:23,274
Why not something fragile,
like your mind?

235
00:12:23,275 --> 00:12:25,575
It is a song.
Rick cool played it.

236
00:12:25,576 --> 00:12:26,576
I heard it.

237
00:12:26,577 --> 00:12:28,012
And I will find it
or die trying.

238
00:12:28,013 --> 00:12:30,147
Peg, have they played
the song yet?

239
00:12:30,148 --> 00:12:31,281
Shh!

240
00:12:31,282 --> 00:12:34,084
Woman [on radio]:
<i>Our next call on</i> why me?

241
00:12:34,085 --> 00:12:36,153
<i>Comes once again</i>
<i>from peggy b.,</i>

242
00:12:36,154 --> 00:12:38,422
<i>Calling from</i>
<i>the bundy household.</i>

243
00:12:38,423 --> 00:12:41,692
<i>You're on, peggy.</i>
<i>What's al done this time?</i>

244
00:12:41,693 --> 00:12:43,394
Well, he heard a song,

245
00:12:43,395 --> 00:12:44,962
And he can't remember
the name of it,

246
00:12:44,963 --> 00:12:46,930
So he's holding me
and the neighbors hostage.

247
00:12:46,931 --> 00:12:48,199
Help us!

248
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,401
Help us! He's mad,
I tell you! Mad--

249
00:13:00,245 --> 00:13:02,079
Mad, am I?

250
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:05,416
I'm not doing anything
any rational man wouldn't do.

251
00:13:05,417 --> 00:13:07,952
Now, you get that oldies
station back on,

252
00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:09,286
Or the walls will be
your tombs.

253
00:13:09,287 --> 00:13:10,454
All of you!

254
00:13:13,525 --> 00:13:14,958
Oh, come on, al.

255
00:13:14,959 --> 00:13:17,561
The chances of them playing
that song are a million-to-one--

256
00:13:17,562 --> 00:13:18,829
Man [on radio]:
<i>♪ go with him ♪</i>

257
00:13:18,830 --> 00:13:19,930
"go with him!"

258
00:13:20,532 --> 00:13:21,732
"go with him!"

259
00:13:23,835 --> 00:13:25,102
"go with him."
"go with him."

260
00:13:25,103 --> 00:13:26,770
That must be
the name of my song.

261
00:13:26,771 --> 00:13:28,772
Dj [on radio]:
<i>Groovy song, wasn't it?</i>

262
00:13:28,773 --> 00:13:30,908
<i>You know, a lot of people think</i>
<i>the name of that song</i>

263
00:13:30,909 --> 00:13:31,975
<i>Is</i> "go with him,"

264
00:13:31,976 --> 00:13:33,076
<i>But it's not!</i>

265
00:13:34,446 --> 00:13:36,180
What is it?
What is it?

266
00:13:36,181 --> 00:13:40,183
<i>Well, here's our third song</i>
<i>of 5000 in a row.</i>

267
00:13:40,184 --> 00:13:41,819
<i>We're going for</i>
<i>the world's record:</i>

268
00:13:41,820 --> 00:13:43,988
<i>Two full years</i>
<i>of uninterrupted music.</i>

269
00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:45,556
<i>This is rick cool,</i>
<i>the fifth monkee,</i>

270
00:13:45,557 --> 00:13:47,658
<i>Heading home to his depressing</i>
<i>studio apartment</i>

271
00:13:47,659 --> 00:13:50,160
<i>On the po' side of town.</i>

272
00:13:50,161 --> 00:13:52,329
Women:
<i>♪ he's rick cool ♪</i>

273
00:13:52,330 --> 00:13:54,999
<i>♪ for the middle-aged ♪</i>

274
00:14:02,941 --> 00:14:04,308
[both laughing]

275
00:14:04,309 --> 00:14:06,777
Hey, look, garfield got
his whiskers full of mayonnaise.

276
00:14:06,778 --> 00:14:07,778
[both laughing]

277
00:14:07,779 --> 00:14:09,880
Uh-oh.
Here come the ants.

278
00:14:09,881 --> 00:14:11,381
[chuckles]

279
00:14:12,217 --> 00:14:13,550
Oh, enough.

280
00:14:13,551 --> 00:14:15,452
I want to talk to you.

281
00:14:15,453 --> 00:14:16,987
[laughing]
oh, look.

282
00:14:16,988 --> 00:14:19,123
The ants are carrying off
the "la-sag-nee."

283
00:14:19,124 --> 00:14:20,257
[both laughing]

284
00:14:30,135 --> 00:14:32,169
Oh, grab her.

285
00:14:32,170 --> 00:14:33,871
You've got worse
beatings for less.

286
00:14:38,843 --> 00:14:40,577
What are you
looking at me for?

287
00:14:40,578 --> 00:14:41,678
If I wasn't
so tiny,

288
00:14:41,679 --> 00:14:43,414
I'd be wild-thinging her
myself.

289
00:14:45,150 --> 00:14:46,917
You really think so?

290
00:14:46,918 --> 00:14:48,685
Both:
Go. Go. Go. Go.

291
00:14:48,686 --> 00:14:50,254
Go. Go. Go.

292
00:14:50,255 --> 00:14:51,722
<i>Go. Go. Go.</i>

293
00:14:53,625 --> 00:14:54,791
[chuckles]

294
00:14:54,792 --> 00:14:56,026
[buck barks]

295
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:04,034
[al mumbling]

296
00:15:05,370 --> 00:15:06,937
Oh, I hate
my life.

297
00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:10,041
Can't eat, can't sleep,

298
00:15:10,042 --> 00:15:12,376
Can't bury the wife
in the back yard.

299
00:15:15,747 --> 00:15:18,015
I'm beside myself
with depression.

300
00:15:19,017 --> 00:15:20,617
Did you ever have anything

301
00:15:20,618 --> 00:15:22,319
You were so close to,

302
00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:24,788
It was literally
on the tip of your tongue,

303
00:15:24,789 --> 00:15:26,790
But you just couldn't
quite get it?

304
00:15:26,791 --> 00:15:28,192
Yes.
Yes.

305
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:32,329
Al. Honey.

306
00:15:32,330 --> 00:15:34,631
If you're gonna bring
preparation h to bed,

307
00:15:34,632 --> 00:15:37,768
Could you at least remember
to put the top back on.

308
00:15:38,837 --> 00:15:41,839
I mean, god,
it just takes me forever

309
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:44,341
To scrub it out of the sheets
with your toothbrush.

310
00:15:47,178 --> 00:15:49,480
I got bigger things
on my mind now, peg.

311
00:15:49,481 --> 00:15:51,682
That song is
haunting me.

312
00:15:52,617 --> 00:15:53,817
You know, mr. Bundy,

313
00:15:53,818 --> 00:15:55,552
If you're really
looking for a record,

314
00:15:55,553 --> 00:15:58,856
My father knows
every oldie ever made.

315
00:15:58,857 --> 00:16:01,192
Oh. No, al.
Please.

316
00:16:01,193 --> 00:16:03,393
If my feelings
mean anything to you,

317
00:16:03,394 --> 00:16:05,862
You will not invite
that man to my home.

318
00:16:07,098 --> 00:16:08,932
♪ go with him ♪

319
00:16:11,469 --> 00:16:12,836
Mighty familiar, al.

320
00:16:12,837 --> 00:16:14,371
You came to the right guy.

321
00:16:14,372 --> 00:16:15,739
Do you know the song?

322
00:16:15,740 --> 00:16:16,774
No.

323
00:16:18,476 --> 00:16:20,744
But I do know
the complete theme

324
00:16:20,745 --> 00:16:22,045
To <i>the patty duke show.</i>

325
00:16:23,948 --> 00:16:26,216
♪ well, they're cousins ♪

326
00:16:26,217 --> 00:16:29,119
♪ identical cousins
all their lives ♪

327
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:31,188
♪ they walk alike
they talk alike-- ♪

328
00:16:31,189 --> 00:16:33,824
And why not?
They're both patty duke.

329
00:16:37,062 --> 00:16:38,262
Gee, charlie.

330
00:16:38,263 --> 00:16:40,730
You're still the same clown
prince of unemployment

331
00:16:40,731 --> 00:16:43,167
You were when those shoes
and shirt were in style.

332
00:16:46,537 --> 00:16:47,938
It's that cigarette
lighter

333
00:16:47,939 --> 00:16:50,007
That I found in a couch
at your wedding, right?

334
00:16:53,477 --> 00:16:55,378
Let-- let me explain
about that.

335
00:16:55,379 --> 00:16:59,516
Ya see, to you, that lighter
was just a sterling silver,

336
00:16:59,517 --> 00:17:00,984
Antique cigarette lighter

337
00:17:00,985 --> 00:17:03,053
With your mother's
initials on it,

338
00:17:03,054 --> 00:17:06,156
In pure gold
with one diamond.

339
00:17:06,157 --> 00:17:09,927
But to me, it was
a keepsake of the memory

340
00:17:09,928 --> 00:17:13,297
Of the most beautiful
bride I'd ever seen.

341
00:17:13,298 --> 00:17:15,232
A memory that remained
with me

342
00:17:15,233 --> 00:17:17,134
Long after
I hocked the lighter.

343
00:17:19,270 --> 00:17:21,471
And if I may say so,
peggy...

344
00:17:21,472 --> 00:17:24,942
That beauty has not
faded one bit.

345
00:17:26,211 --> 00:17:28,078
Really, charlie?

346
00:17:28,079 --> 00:17:29,713
That's so sweet.

347
00:17:29,714 --> 00:17:30,714
Hey.

348
00:17:30,715 --> 00:17:32,115
It's right
from the heart.

349
00:17:32,116 --> 00:17:33,817
I mean, when I look
in your face,

350
00:17:33,818 --> 00:17:36,920
The only words
that come to my mind are:

351
00:17:36,921 --> 00:17:38,689
Final vinyl.
[snaps]

352
00:17:38,690 --> 00:17:41,224
That's the store you have to
go to get that record, al.

353
00:17:41,225 --> 00:17:42,493
Final vinyl.

354
00:17:42,494 --> 00:17:45,095
Peg, didn't I tell you
that this man was great?

355
00:17:45,096 --> 00:17:47,297
Oh, uh, by the way,
charlie, uh...

356
00:17:47,298 --> 00:17:48,799
How about that 20 bucks
you owe me?

357
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:50,901
You know, it's
only been 10 years.

358
00:17:52,003 --> 00:17:54,438
I must take
my leave now.

359
00:17:54,439 --> 00:17:55,639
Come, vincent.

360
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:58,175
Goodbye to you,
al...

361
00:17:58,176 --> 00:18:00,410
And to your <i>two</i>
lovely daughters.

362
00:18:00,411 --> 00:18:01,745
Charlie.

363
00:18:01,746 --> 00:18:02,979
Yes, enchantress?

364
00:18:04,482 --> 00:18:06,750
My watch.

365
00:18:14,392 --> 00:18:16,159
I was gonna get it
engraved for you.

366
00:18:17,528 --> 00:18:18,762
Till we meet again.

367
00:18:21,732 --> 00:18:24,668
Did you get anything?
No.

368
00:18:24,669 --> 00:18:26,503
Too bad. They got
some nice stuff.

369
00:18:28,339 --> 00:18:29,906
"green door"
by jim lowe.

370
00:18:31,209 --> 00:18:33,610
♪ mm-hm-mm
with the hm and a knife ♪

371
00:18:33,611 --> 00:18:36,180
"wolverton mountain,"
claude king. Aisle three.

372
00:18:37,448 --> 00:18:40,250
♪ mmm-mm-mm flown
yeah ♪

373
00:18:40,251 --> 00:18:43,020
"any day now," chuck jackson.
Aisle four.

374
00:18:48,226 --> 00:18:49,826
Peg, this guy's
a genius.

375
00:18:49,827 --> 00:18:50,895
We're home.

376
00:18:54,332 --> 00:18:56,032
♪ go with him ♪

377
00:18:57,002 --> 00:18:58,101
Never heard of it.

378
00:18:58,102 --> 00:18:59,303
Next.

379
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,071
What a surprise.

380
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:04,375
Thank you.

381
00:19:04,376 --> 00:19:05,575
Not even this, huh?

382
00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:07,912
What is it?

383
00:19:07,913 --> 00:19:10,080
Is oprah right?

384
00:19:10,081 --> 00:19:11,681
Are you a big, fat woman?

385
00:19:13,885 --> 00:19:17,188
All I wanted was a 45--
a stinking 45

386
00:19:17,189 --> 00:19:19,756
--The record or the gun.

387
00:19:19,757 --> 00:19:21,625
I'll even settle
for the damn malt liquor.

388
00:19:23,361 --> 00:19:26,197
Just this once can you show
that you can love even al bundy?

389
00:19:29,567 --> 00:19:31,034
Man [on jukebox]:
♪ go with him ♪

390
00:19:31,035 --> 00:19:33,770
<i>♪ ah-ahh ♪</i>

391
00:19:33,771 --> 00:19:34,838
<i>♪ but anna ♪</i>

392
00:19:34,839 --> 00:19:36,206
That's it!
That's my song!

393
00:19:38,176 --> 00:19:39,609
Thank you,
thank you.

394
00:19:39,610 --> 00:19:41,611
Uh-- I'll be back for
only one more request.

395
00:19:41,612 --> 00:19:43,213
It involves
a thunderbolt and, uh--

396
00:19:45,083 --> 00:19:47,351
That's my song!
That's my song.

397
00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:49,319
That's "anna."
"anna" on the jukebox.

398
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:50,821
I want it.
How much is it?

399
00:19:50,822 --> 00:19:52,189
Well, since you're
a good customer,

400
00:19:52,190 --> 00:19:54,157
And obviously a ranting,
raving loon,

401
00:19:54,158 --> 00:19:55,626
You can have it
for $60.

402
00:19:55,627 --> 00:19:57,694
Sixty dollars?

403
00:19:57,695 --> 00:19:59,163
For a record?

404
00:19:59,164 --> 00:20:01,531
Hey, look, you must look
at my husband and mistake crazy

405
00:20:01,532 --> 00:20:02,766
For stupid.

406
00:20:02,767 --> 00:20:05,702
He is not paying you
$60 for a record.

407
00:20:05,703 --> 00:20:08,172
And if he does,
I will kiss your--

408
00:20:14,279 --> 00:20:16,313
Peg, this is the best
$60 I ever spent.

409
00:20:17,915 --> 00:20:20,150
Except for the day
before the day I met you,

410
00:20:20,151 --> 00:20:21,852
This is the happiest day
of my life.

411
00:20:23,321 --> 00:20:25,990
Peg, I'm going to play
this record over and over again

412
00:20:25,991 --> 00:20:28,258
Until my ears bleed.

413
00:20:28,259 --> 00:20:30,160
Honey, where's
my record player?

414
00:20:30,161 --> 00:20:31,462
With all your stuff.

415
00:20:31,463 --> 00:20:33,797
In a box in the corner
of the basement.

416
00:20:33,798 --> 00:20:36,000
Uh, honey. Come with me
while I get it.

417
00:20:36,001 --> 00:20:37,667
I want to
share my joy.

418
00:20:37,668 --> 00:20:39,703
After you, my love.

419
00:20:39,704 --> 00:20:41,838
Well, at least you're acting
like a gentleman.

420
00:20:42,707 --> 00:20:44,341
Just not sure why.

421
00:20:47,178 --> 00:20:48,845
[screams]

422
00:20:48,846 --> 00:20:51,014
[crash]

423
00:20:51,015 --> 00:20:52,416
Thank you,
honey.

424
00:20:52,417 --> 00:20:54,551
Uh, I-I couldn't remember
which step was loose.

425
00:20:57,789 --> 00:20:59,556
Well, another
great night.

426
00:21:01,859 --> 00:21:04,428
Look. You have
to tell me right now.

427
00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:06,663
Why do you keep asking
your shoulders

428
00:21:06,664 --> 00:21:08,232
If you should go for it?

429
00:21:09,867 --> 00:21:12,302
I mean, are they
magic shoulders?

430
00:21:12,303 --> 00:21:14,238
If shoulders are talking
about me,

431
00:21:14,239 --> 00:21:15,905
I have a right to know.

432
00:21:15,906 --> 00:21:18,542
No. There's nothing
on my shoulder.

433
00:21:18,543 --> 00:21:20,577
Some say
not even my head.

434
00:21:20,578 --> 00:21:21,412
[chuckles]

435
00:21:21,413 --> 00:21:22,713
But I digest.

436
00:21:23,782 --> 00:21:24,782
Nothing.

437
00:21:24,783 --> 00:21:26,550
'tis just as the poet said:

438
00:21:26,551 --> 00:21:28,352
'twas the wind.

439
00:21:28,353 --> 00:21:29,520
No.

440
00:21:29,521 --> 00:21:31,755
'twas the raven.

441
00:21:31,756 --> 00:21:32,856
No.

442
00:21:33,858 --> 00:21:36,026
Actually,
'twas a quoth.

443
00:21:36,027 --> 00:21:37,327
Oh, enough.

444
00:21:37,328 --> 00:21:39,429
If I wanted intelligent
conversation,

445
00:21:39,430 --> 00:21:41,064
I'd still be dating
my teachers.

446
00:21:43,735 --> 00:21:46,036
Now, kiss me,
or I will kill you.

447
00:21:51,810 --> 00:21:54,278
Now, that didn't
hurt, did it?

448
00:21:54,279 --> 00:21:55,279
No.

449
00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:56,746
Actually, it ranks
right up there

450
00:21:56,747 --> 00:21:58,515
With finding money
in the street.

451
00:22:01,753 --> 00:22:03,587
Well, then, what
took you so long?

452
00:22:03,588 --> 00:22:04,687
Well...

453
00:22:04,688 --> 00:22:07,224
Actually, I was afraid
of your father.

454
00:22:07,225 --> 00:22:08,525
But as we all learned

455
00:22:08,526 --> 00:22:11,561
From that moving
jimmy piersall story,

456
00:22:11,562 --> 00:22:14,131
You've nothing to fear,
but fear strikes out.

457
00:22:15,866 --> 00:22:17,800
Churchill, I believe.
Mm.

458
00:22:17,801 --> 00:22:20,604
And besides,
your father likes me.

459
00:22:20,605 --> 00:22:23,640
I think we're gonna be
great friends.

460
00:22:40,225 --> 00:22:43,026
[♪]